Tipping the Scales of Love

Love for the other 364 days of the year

I know Valentine’s Day was 4 days ago. Now that the cards and chocolate wrappers are in the trash, it is a great time to talk about enduring love.

Personally, I have always learned from bad examples. What I mean is, when I see something I don’t like, I teach myself how not to be that way. As I got older and was able to choose who I wanted to surround myself with, I began accumulating more positive examples, of how I did want to be.

And what I have learned, for sure, is that every relationship has its good and its bad. The Hollywood version of perfect love is a charming illusion, but in fact perfect love is simply one that knows how to tip the scales in the right direction.

Like the old-fashioned balance scale, relationships go up and down all the time. Usually, in the beginning, the scales tip giddily toward the GOOD, kind of like a goldminer dumping his nuggets into the pan. WOOHOO! JACKPOT!!! (S)he is amazing, fun, beautiful, talented, intelligent, sexy. That first period of love is so intoxicating because there is nothing (yet) to tip the scales in the other direction.

And then…. He throws a tantrum. She shows up without makeup. They want to stay home when you want to go out. She loses her job. He farts in bed (of course he does). They say something really stupid in front of your friends. Socks are left on the floor and dishes pile up in the sink. The list goes on and on. The BAD side of the scales gets heavier. And it’s starting to bug you.

Some relationships go on like this for a long time. We’ve all seen couples that bicker and stone-face each other. We’ve seen couples that seem to hate each other. I’ve learned a lot by watching these relationships. To simply coexist-with-a-list is NOT for me!

On the flip side, there are those that seem to hold on to the luster of love all the way until the end. Is it because they are more perfect? No. It is because they know how to tip the scales of love back toward the good.

Think of your love as the post holding up the two scale pans of “good” and “bad”. As soon as the bad starts to get heavy and weighing on the relationship, it is important to TAKE ACTION. And, no, this is not the action of scolding, ridiculing, complaining, or threatening to leave. This is the action of adding to the good side. You want the good to always outweigh the bad, otherwise the relationship will falter and even fail.

Amazingly, for all the love angst out there, it really is not that difficult to tilt the scales back. Being aware of the scale analogy will help you have a plan of action.

Here are some ideas for adding to the GOOD:

·      Plan outings together.

·      Go out of your way to find something to compliment.

·      Share jokes or funny reels so you can remember how to laugh together.

·      Go on walks in nature.

·      Do something that brings up your adrenaline - gokarts, bike riding, skiing, sky diving (adrenaline activities have been shown to build closeness).

·      Cuddle up and watch the sunset.

·      Print and hang pictures of you having good times together.

·      Bring up memories of fun experiences- “Remember when….”

·      Touch more - casually, in passing, touch an arm or head or back – small touches.

·      “Catch” them doing something you like and mention it (positive reinforcement).

·      Say I love you more (even, sometimes, when you may not be feeling it much).

While you are busy adding to the good, you can start, gently and lovingly, to address items on the bad side (this will go over better if you have refilled the good pan first). Calm, clear, non-judgmental, non-threatening communication always wins the day. Then, don’t forget to add more good!

Finally, always, always apply more love. Not because they “deserve” it, but because it is who you are.

And, when you are out of love, love even more, because love begets love. In fact, love is the only thing in the universe that, the more you give away, the more you have.

Love, Love, Love, Cate